The Greendale Yearly Sports Report: Debate

Welcome to the Greendale Weekly sports page! Due to our lack of content we only roll out this portion of the paper once a year. Because our basketball team is gay, literally, and our football team is terrible, we reserve this section to report on our debate team. The Greendale debate team may not have been award winning or newsworthy any other year, but this year is a different story. This year, Jeff Winger and Annie took home the gold against their fiery opponent, City College. Check out the play-by-play of the exciting event!

Jeff Winger, Greendale student and former lawyer, joined Annie and the Greendale debate team after a very convincing argument from Dean Pelton (and a promise of a free parking space). They were given the difficult debate topic: Man is inherently good vs. man is inherently evil. Greendale, of course, was required to defend the position that man is inherently evil.

The rousing debate starts with the adorable Annie's allusion to the book "Lord of the Flies," followed by polite applause. The introduction of Greendale's opponent, infamous City College debater Jeremy Simmons, is met by a roaring crowd of pom-poms and organized cheers. The stands shake as the audience erupts with excitement. It almost feels like a real sporting event (tear). Simmons rolls to the forefront of the stage and presents compelling statistics about kidneys and arguments about doors to prove that man is inherently good. His conclusion is met by more ear-splitting applause as he returns to his table.

Greendale's Winger is up next, and everyone waits with bated breath to hear the argument of a true lawyer. He goes with the age-old tactic of creating a conversation with the audience instead of using a formal speech. He approaches the judges' podium. Oh no. He is hitting on one of the judges. What is he doing? Just as we begin to lose faith in Winger's tactics, he bursts into song and the crowd sings along to "Evil Woman." The judges nod their heads in what seems to be an approving fashion. Could this be the beginning of a victory for Greendale?

After some consideration the judges report the scores from the first round. There is silence as the audience and debaters anticipate the scores. City College: 50, Greendale: 8, thanks solely to Annie. Jeff is stunned and discouraged. The Greendale Debate Team needs to step it up in the next round if they want to win.

Suddenly the all-gay Greendale basketball team bursts into the gym and begins practice at their reserved time. It seems that the gym has been double booked and the debate must be postponed until tomorrow. We will all be anxiously waiting to see if Greendale has what it takes to straighten up and go all in for the win in the second half.

Part 2:

We are back at Greendale for the second and final day of the debate. The sun is shining and the crowd is even rowdier than before. What a great day for a debate! On the right we have seasoned debater Jeremy Simmons with City College, already ahead with 50 points. On the left we have ex-lawyer Jeff Winger alongside adorable Annie, fighting for a win with only 8 points; a whopping 42 points behind City College. Winger almost dropped out of the debate after his embarrassing scoreless rebuttal yesterday, but he has changed his mind and is ready to go down fighting for the win.

Simmons kicks off the debate with a quote from German poet Franz Wickmeyer that moves the crowd to tears. This young man has quite a brain on him. He's really going somewhere. Winger is given two minutes to rebut.

Winger comes out of the gate swinging with a quote from Jesus! Nobody saw that one coming! There is finally a real competition going and only the verbally fittest will survive. Annie makes strong point after point and City College makes convincing rebuttals. Everything is happening so fast that it feels as if a tornado has swept the gym. The heads in the audience are shaking so vigorously for each team that people are taken out by the paramedics for whiplash injuries. I have never seen such a tense event!

The action subsides as tension mounts with the announcement of the final countdown. Only the closing arguments are left. Wait. Could this be? Simmons has ripped up his notes! This is unprecedented! Never have we seen a debater go off script! The room is silent as the audience and judges wait for his response. Simmons slowly rolls across the stage in his electric wheelchair towards Winger. Everyone looks around wondering what will happen next. Suddenly, Simmons stops abruptly and his body is launched in the air! As he sails through the air Winger is the only person in a position to break his fall! Winger catches Simmons even though he despises him! Simmons dramatically proves that men are inherently good! The City College crowd bursts into cheers of victory.

But wait! Little adorable Annie is not ready to give up the gold. She rushes up to Winger and passionately kisses him on the lips. Winger drops Simmons to the floor because he is horny and it is proven that man is inherently evil! The judge yells into the microphone that Greendale has won the debate! The small but passionate Greendale crowd goes wild and the Human Being mascot does the Greendale victory dance for the very first time in history!

Greendale is awarded the trophy for winning the debate, the first trophy that Greendale has won, for anything. We are the Greendale Human Beings and we have proven today that we may not be good at sports, but we can argue our butts off! Until next year, this is the Greendale sports reporter signing out.