Psych 101

We are well into the start of the new semester here at Greendale and the campus newbies are starting to learn the ropes. Learning "Seize the Day," or Carpe Diem, with Professor Whitman. Watching film students making obscure documentaries. And discovering how to make an extra buck with psychology guru, Professor Duncan.

I was skeptical at first about participating in an experiment for money, but then I realized I was behind in units that I needed to graduate on time, and extra cash to pay for classes. We all know an eighth year here at Greendale would be awesome, but my parents tell me it's time to move on. Thus began my career as a subject in campus psychology experiments.

Now, I'm sharing my extensive knowledge about how to be a professional subject in on campus psychology experiments, a little Psych 101 if you will, with you, our loyal readers. The process begins by reading the Monday classifieds in our very own Greendale Weekly. This is where you'll learn about the experiments that are scheduled for the upcoming week. Technically you are only allowed to sign up for three experiments in a semester, but how is one supposed to make a living with those restrictions? In order to get around this "rule" I have created a well-thought-out list of secret identities. This is where it gets a little tricky.

For each experiment you must have a current student ID card in order to guarantee your status as a student. Tip: make friends with someone in the ID office (shout out to my homie, Troy). After you have secured your multiple identities, you are free to start your career.

Sign up for at least two, but no more than three experiments a week. You want to be able to make a decent amount of money, but not appear in the psychology department too often. You do not want to be recognized by the departmental staff. And above all, never sign up for more than three experiments with the same professor. They may appear to be absentminded at times, but they are no fools.

Make sure you sign up for a variety of experiments. Space out the experiments involving electrodes and shock therapy with a simple survey every once in a while. Such rigorous physical tests can take a toll on your health. Trust me, your brain will thank you.

And your final task as a professional psychology experiment subject, enjoy your earnings. You will be contributing to the priceless research that could change the field of psychology forever, and you will be rolling in dough as well. It doesn't get any better than that. Well that is all for this week. Stay tuned for the next edition of Greendale Weekly.