I hope you'll join me in welcoming Greendale's newest student (and sandwich shop) Subway! Any business operating for profit must be at least 51% owned by a Greendale registered student, so Subway (the company) has inserted its own figurehead at Greendale. Using a groundbreaking (but surprisingly legal) process known as "corpo-humanization," real people are now allowed to represent the collective humanity of business owners. "Subway" has contractually waived his birth identity and is now a man and student named Subway. He can't vote though... technically he's only a week old! But Subway's here to hang out, take weird classes and party as hardy as his morality clause allows. So if you see a Subway roaming the halls, don't forget to say hello! And of course... Eat Fresh!
Who knew we had so many celebrities in our midst? A man who looks JUST like French Stewart decided to stop by Greendale to recruit some of our very own students for a celebrity impersonation gig at a star-studded bar mitzvah. And let's just say... we've got some serious talent in our midst! Shirley Bennett made an amazing Oprah (she even got down that booming voice!) while Annie Edison was just adorable as Judy Garland. Abed Nadir even jumped the gender barrier, pulling off Jamie Lee Curtis in "True Lies." Troy and Britta showed us Michael Jackson young and old (is it weird that we think Britta made a better MJ than Troy?) And of course, with more swagger than ever, Jeff Winger pulled of a taller, more handsome version of Ryan Seacrest; his Hulk Ryan Seacrest was quite the hit as well. The real question is... what was Pierce Hawthorne? He claimed to be Burt Reynolds, but all we saw was a Fat Brando.
As a big believer in gun control, I have to say that I have come to dread the annual GCC paintball game. I know it's just a game, but people get really into it here. I swear, I've seen girls ready to do anything - and I mean anything! - for additional ammunition. I realize $100,000 is a lot of money, but what about your dignity?
The Black Rider issue also bugs me. I mean, have you noticed how insecure Jeff is now that there's another hottie on campus? Jeff, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that you're still the cutest guy at GCC. The Black Rider is so cheesy; I got over that whole brooding thing in high school!