The rumors are true, the Greendale Gazette Journal Mirror is returning! What is the Greendale Gazette Journal Mirror? It is only the official newspaper of Greendale Community College. I have been waiting for this day my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I do love the Greendale Weekly (mostly because I get to write every article and do what I want), but the Gazette Journal Mirror is the epitome of journalism at its purest and best form.
I have dreamt about being the Editor of the Gazette Journal Mirror since I wrote my first article about the difference between soda and juice boxes in the third grade. It was more of an expose really. Now that this childhood dream is coming close to being a reality I would do almost anything to be Editor. The one problem... Dean Pelton wants Jeff to be the new Editor.
Making Jeff the Editor of the Greendale Gazette Journal Mirror would be a great idea except for the fact that he has no journalistic experience, he is lazy, he's only in it for the class credit, and it's my dream gosh darnit! I am just too talented to be a staff writer for the rest of my life.
That is why I have taken it upon myself to find a new staff writer to replace me. Once the position of staff writer has been filled, I will be available for the Editor position and I will have more time to plead my case. How will I pick this new and qualified staff writer you may ask? Good question.
Every applicant will be required to submit a short writing sample as well as take a quiz on journalistic rules and ethics. So click HERE to take the quiz and see if you have what it takes to be a journalist for the new and improved Greendale Gazette Journal Mirror, and please, don't tell the Dean about my elaborate plan. Good luck!
Ho Ho Ho! Or should I say, Ha Ha Ha. The end of the fall semester here at Greendale is always the start of the wonderful winter holiday season. And who better to ring in the season than our very own jolly Mr. Winter! Keeping with the constant efforts within the public school system to remain PC, Dean Pelton has created a new non-religious icon for all of us Human Beings here at Greendale to worship.
Although Mr. Winter is a non-denominational icon, we can't help but notice his uncanny similarities to jolly ol' Saint Nick. Mr. Winter has been sighted riding around campus in a sleigh-like rickshaw being pulled by our beloved Greendale mascot posing as a sort of Rudolph. The red nose gives it away. Instead of, "Ho Ho Hos," shouts of, "Ha Ha Has," fill the corridors. But it is the flowing white beard and sack of gifts that gives it all away. Mr. Winter is nothing more than a cheap Santa Claus!
Normally, this would irritate me. Santa is a magical person and anyone who mocks his jolly demeanor for non-Christmas purposes should be ashamed. But in this case, I will let it slide. Why, you ask? Because the PC Mr. Winter is discount coupons for next semester! That's right folks, less money for the same great Greendale education.
With the economic slump we are in it is hard to find the money to buy food let alone fund an outstanding education. Dean Pelton, I mean Mr. Winter, realized this and he came to help us out. Even though we are not allowed to sit on Mr. Winter's lap or whisper our holiday wishes in his ear, he knows what we need.
So for this holiday season, go home and relax with your family. Don't worry about tuition increases or how you are going to pay for next semester because Mr. Winter has you covered. Use the holidays to worry about more important things like decorating your Christmas trees or lighting your Menorahs. In hindsight, it seems as if Mr. Winter may in fact be a little magical himself. Until next semester, Happy Holidays!
The holiday season is officially upon us!It is time for us all to prepare yet again for time with family and friends, gift giving, and holiday parties.'Tis the season of giving, but there's one gift you don't want to give or receive -- STDs.Thankfully, Greendale held an event this past week that helped the students "catch knowledge" about STDs and their prevention just in time for the holidays.We are lucky to have such a caring and forward-thinking campus.
The Greendale administration spent weeks preparing for the STD Fair, headed by Dean Pelton and extremely active student, Annie Edison.Posters were hung, t-shirts were made, and somewhat disturbing fortune cookies were eaten, all in the spirit of catching knowledge.A sort of mixer/carnival was held in the gymnasium for Greendale students and faculty complete with games like the "Wheel of Remorse" and plenty of alcoholic beverages. Greendale even passed out free personalized condoms to everyone who attended.
As students and staff partook in the festivities, things started getting interesting. Instead of getting tired from the alcohol, as Dean Pelton had expected, the students started getting frisky.Then, event planner Annie and two other students were caught trying to break into the dean's office to see the anatomically correct model of a penis.And worst of all, when people started making water balloons out of the free condoms, they realized that there were holes in them.Apparently the added exclamation point on "Greendale!" had compromised the condoms. What was supposed to be an STD-preventing gift turned into a huge liability!The fair ended with an announcement over the loudspeaker telling all the students not to use condoms.
So instead of preventing STDs, the fair may have actually spread them.And instead of discouraging sex, the fair may have inadvertently encouraged it.We can only hope that knowledge was in fact caught at the event, and nothing else.Hopefully Greendale and other college campuses will learn from the mistakes made at this year's fair and will be able to prevent the same mistakes from being made at future events.Until then, just remember to give gifts, not STDs, this holiday season.
In case you weren't able to attend the Greendale STD fair, I have provided some basic statistics on STDs and pregnancy in addition to some myth and fact busters below, provided by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.
- If you have sex without protection on a regular basis, you have an 85% chance of pregnancy within one year.
- While the vast majority of 20-somethings agree that pregnancies should be planned, 7 in 10 pregnancies among single young adults are unplanned.
- More than one-third of all unplanned pregnancies in the U.S. (that's over 1 million) are to single women in their 20s.
- Nearly half (49%) of community college students have been (or have gotten someone) pregnant.
- 61% of community college students who have children after enrolling don't finish their education. This rate is 65% higher than for students who don't have a child.
- Only 2 out of 10 students at two-year institutions say they get information at school about preventing unplanned pregnancy. At four-year colleges, one-third of students do.
- Unplanned pregnancy can increase emotional and financial stress, lead to relationship turmoil, and result in poor health and economic outcomes for babies. About 15% of all community college students are single parents.
MYTH: Saran wrap is a handy condom substitute.
FACT: Actually, there is no condom substitute. A condom makes the best condom.
MYTH: Talking about protection ruins the mood.
FACT: Well, OK it can be awkward -- but it's a lot less awkward than finding out you're pregnant. If condoms just aren't for you, find your perfect birth control method at www.sexreally.com/birth-
To learn the real facts about STD prevention and pregnancy prevention, please visit www.sexreally.com for statistics and information.