Food Fight
Rumor has it that Jeff Winger was the ringmaster behind what turned into Greendale's most epic food fight. What started as a "duh" contest, turned into a cafeteria-wide food fight. I was stuck in geometry class during this alleged event, so I don't have firsthand knowledge of it, but I can certainly imagine what this would have been like.
Like most female students, I've been mesmerized by the one and the only Jeff Winger a few times. Okay, okay, maybe more times than I'd like to admit in this week's column. My sources tell me that one of his usual sidekicks, a certain blond female that I won't be naming, was putting up a good fight in the "duh" contest along with him. This apparently only started after Mr. Winger was seen nibbling on the shoulder of an older, very tanned and toned, woman when three teens approached and started the fight.
The "duh" contest abruptly ended when two other students pulled down teens' pants, but apparently the food fight was their retaliation. Within seconds, the entire cafeteria was involved in this epic event. I had worn a new pair of shoes that day, so I'm half glad I wasn't there to witness this in person. Ketchup and mustard were flying, sandwiches and cakes were being smashed, trays were flying.
The aftermath was left for the GCC cleaning crew to mop up later. All in all, I think it was an event Dean Pelton was probably secretly sorry he missed too, but I'm sure it will end up in the GCC "Don't Ever Attempt to Re-create" rulebook that is sure to come out next semester. I wonder what else will be in that rulebook?
I Demand More Chicken Fingers
Campus is in an uproar. I'm in an uproar. I stand in line, week after week, anxiously waiting the delicious, crispy, freshly fried chicken fingers that our Greendale cafeteria offers, only to be disappointed EVERY TIME. By the time I get up to the front of the line the chicken fingers are GONE. This is an outrage.
I'm not much of an activist. I tend to stay hidden behind the words I write here in my weekly column in hopes that you all take the necessary action on my behalf, but I'm willing to reconsider my position and make a stand for the good of the student body. Perhaps a sit-in is appropriate? Or a boycott? Or a protest? Someone help me here, I'm not good with pairing the appropriate social activism needed with the specific cause at hand.
Once it has been decided, I will stand (or sit) alongside all of you fellow Greendale students to demand that our cafeteria make MORE CHICKEN FINGERS. I hold out hope every week that the staff has learned their lesson and will make more chicken fingers. But again, I am disappointed week after week. I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take. Or how many more tuna sandwiches I can eat. Or how many times I can watch friends of that guy Starburns get hand delivered trays of warm, crispy chicken fingers before I lose it altogether.
So, I am asking you, the Greendale student body, to get the hottest guy - Jeff Winger, of course - on board and that socially active blond friend of his involved in this chicken finger shortage issue. Once that is planned, I will step out from behind the protection of this byline and join the masses to demand more chicken fingers.
