The Tranny Dance
FINALLY... summer is here. Remember when you were younger and the idea of summer actually meant something? Freedom, vacation, sleeping in, the pool, and the sun. Then, as you got older, it became less about freedom and more about responsibility. For me, it means summer session here at Greendale. Economics and pottery. That's what I have in store this summer.
Anyways, in typical Greendale fashion, in honor of the students transferring to legit universities, Dean Pelton hosted an end-of-the-year school dance. "Tranny Dance," as it was named, taking on a theme similar to a high school prom, had a competition among female students to be crowned "Tranny Queen." Since I'm never leaving Greendale, as we've firmly established after my years at The Greendale Weekly, I had no reason to attend the Tranny Dance, but I did want the free t-shirt Dean Pelton was offering to those that have attended all five dances this academic year.
To my surprise, this dance was the best of the year. The Tranny Queen competition was only a small piece of the trill. There was an all-out girl fight over pretty boy Jeff Winger. And no, I wasn't involved. Britta Perry and Professor Slater both declared their love for the campus hottie, putting him on the spot. Everyone, including Jeff, was taken by surprise. Unsure how to respond, Jeff remained silent. While Britta and Slater practically launched at one another, Jeff made the biggest surprise move of all; he walked out without either one of them.
Is he saving himself for me? No, that can't be it. In fact, a little birdie told me that he may have been spotted kissing someone else outside the dance later that night. The plot thickens. Obviously if any more details emerge about this love triangle, I will certainly report on it. I wouldn't want to let any of you down.
As for the winner of paintball, it's none other than campus hottie Jeff Winger. There is nothing that man can't do. Swoon.I'm Covered in Paint
Dean Pelton announced this morning that the prize for the last student standing in an all-campus game of paintball would be priority registration. PRIORITY REGISTRATION. Yeah, you heard me.
The opportunity to sign up for classes before anyone else is like a gift from God (or whomever you worship). A gift that turned every student on this campus against one another. Students came out of every corner ready to fight to the death. The Chess Club. The Drama Club. The Cupcake club. The Glee Club. Even the engineers. Even I joined the game.
The campus quad was quickly overtaken and covered in paint. Tables were overturned and used as barriers. Banners were torn down, garbage cans turned upside down, and trees were used as hiding spots. I was on the move from the newspaper office to the bookstore when a member of the Glee Club hit me in the back. They were hiding in a tree, so I didn't see them.
In an instant, my dreams of a Monday/Wednesday class schedule were blown up by green paintball splatter. Then like salt added to an open wound I was hit again, but this time from the front. Then again from the side. I was attacked from all angles, getting covered in paint. In anger, I turned my paintball gun on the tree and unfortunately missed every member of the Glee Club. I did hit a few members of the Circus Club. The only problem was they weren't playing paintball.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a recurring childhood nightmare of being chased by circus people and midgets on stilts doesn't actually come true. I would like to point out that retaliation isn't the answer. If they're reading this... I apologize.
As for the winner of paintball, it's none other than campus hottie Jeff Winger. There is nothing that man can't do. Swoon.
