The Current State of Campus Security By Ben Chang
Given the events surrounding the riot incited by the Greendale Seven (who have since been expelled) there are going to be much harsher security measures on the Greendale campus. The below initiatives are intended to ensure the safety of Greendale's students.
1. Increased security
2. Cool new uniforms
3. Power to enact martial law
4. Indefinite detention
5. Pepper spray
6. Involuntary cavity searches
7. No soft serve
Anyone who has issue with these initiatives can take it up with head of security Ben Chang. But full disclosure, their complaints will not be put into consideration.
The Changlorious Basterds By Ben Chang
The rumors are true; I recruited an army of preteen security interns while moonlighting at a local Bar Mitzvah. In exchange for a college credit in law enforcement, they do my bidding. I mean... they learn valuable key lessons in proper law enforcement techniques. Truly, these are promising young men who are sure to be trailblazers in community college law enforcement. I don't know what I would have done without these rug rats in the war of Pillowtown vs. Blanketsburg (from which they received a nickname that I full endorse, "The Changlorious Basterds"). These kids are on top of their pillow fighting game and helped me ruthlessly take down anyone who dared resist my authority. It was later cited in the critically acclaimed documentary "Pillows and Blankets," that "The Changlorious Basterds turned the war into a perverse carnival of pillow-based fear." An accurate account if I do say so myself. Needless to say, this is only the beginning of CHANGe at Greendale... stay tuned.
Greendale's Own Celebrities By Ben Chang
Who knew we had so many celebrities in our midst? A man who looks JUST like French Stewart decided to stop by Greendale to recruit some of our very own students for a celebrity impersonation gig at a star-studded bar mitzvah. And let's just say... we've got some serious talent in our midst! Shirley Bennett made an amazing Oprah (she even got down that booming voice!) while Annie Edison was just adorable as Judy Garland. Abed Nadir even jumped the gender barrier, pulling off Jamie Lee Curtis in "True Lies." Troy and Britta showed us Michael Jackson young and old (is it weird that we think Britta made a better MJ than Troy?) And of course, with more swagger than ever, Jeff Winger pulled of a taller, more handsome version of Ryan Seacrest; his Hulk Ryan Seacrest was quite the hit as well. The real question is... what was Pierce Hawthorne? He claimed to be Burt Reynolds, but all we saw was a Fat Brando.