The End of an Era By Ben Chang
Well my loyal minions, just as quickly as I rose to power I was struck down by the entourage known as the Greendale 7. But my reign will always be known as a time of harmony on the Greendale campus; a time when rigorous security measures and elaborate birthday extravaganzas took center stage at a community college plagued by constant fear. Luckily thanks to the beauty that is the Internet, memory of my reign will live on through my beautiful propaganda posters!
And with that, I'll leave you with this beautiful melody. I hope it inspires you, just like it inspired me to eat my twin sister in utero. This one's for you, Connie.
"Chang eats the sun and drinks the skies,
And they both go with him when he dies."
The Current State of Campus Security By Ben Chang
Given the events surrounding the riot incited by the Greendale Seven (who have since been expelled) there are going to be much harsher security measures on the Greendale campus. The below initiatives are intended to ensure the safety of Greendale's students.
1. Increased security
2. Cool new uniforms
3. Power to enact martial law
4. Indefinite detention
5. Pepper spray
6. Involuntary cavity searches
7. No soft serve
Anyone who has issue with these initiatives can take it up with head of security Ben Chang. But full disclosure, their complaints will not be put into consideration.
The Changlorious Basterds By Ben Chang
The rumors are true; I recruited an army of preteen security interns while moonlighting at a local Bar Mitzvah. In exchange for a college credit in law enforcement, they do my bidding. I mean... they learn valuable key lessons in proper law enforcement techniques. Truly, these are promising young men who are sure to be trailblazers in community college law enforcement. I don't know what I would have done without these rug rats in the war of Pillowtown vs. Blanketsburg (from which they received a nickname that I full endorse, "The Changlorious Basterds"). These kids are on top of their pillow fighting game and helped me ruthlessly take down anyone who dared resist my authority. It was later cited in the critically acclaimed documentary "Pillows and Blankets," that "The Changlorious Basterds turned the war into a perverse carnival of pillow-based fear." An accurate account if I do say so myself. Needless to say, this is only the beginning of CHANGe at Greendale... stay tuned.